Doggy Toys:

This video is so real life, let me tell you my sweet angel mouse. First of all, my underwear is legit getting too tight, does that ever happen to you? Like you put it on and you’re like, wait what the fuck my butt. And so then you walk over to your mirror and look at your butt and you’re all like, who’s fucking butt is that? Is that my butt? Is that really what my butt looks like? You’re kidding. Oh my god what have I done!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE!? NOOOOOOOOO. And then you sit in a corner for a minute and cry and feel bad, but then you get hungry so you go to Wendys and get some french fries and chili but then you also pass a Taco Bell on your way home so you get like 5 Doritos Locos Tacos but then you need to get some because your dogs like them too so you get a couple extra, then as you’re driving and getting excited about being a gluttonous piece of shit you pass a McDonalds so you’re like, a McFlurry isn’t gonna kill me, so you stop and get one of those but then Burger King is right next to it and you know what’s delicious, Whoppers, so you get one of those and then by the time you get to your house you have so much food in your hands you have to like carry some of it with your face and just hope that no one sees you on your way in so they can stand there and judge you with all the food you are about to put in your body. Then you get into your house and eat it all like you give a fuck. Like shovel it into your face. Then you remember why your butt looks the way that it looks and feel bad, but then after a couple of hours you get hungry again so you get some cookies and take them to the face. Guys please don’t make me feel weird, please tell me this happens to you. I’ve even made my dogs fat. I took them to the dog park the other day and I got all excited because there were 2 other Italian Greyhounds there and they were so cute and I was like, Kermit look at the other Kermits those are your peoples you are going to have so much fun! And then when they were all sniffing each other they looked all like sleek and skinny like greyhounds are supposed to look and Kermit looked, ahem, well fed. I’m like that lady in that documentary about monkeys where she would sit them in their little high chairs and feed them people food like spaghetti and shit until the monkey doctor told her she was giving them diabetes and was all like, excuse you miss lady but did you know that monkeys only eat fruit in the jungle and not spaghetti? And she was all like, whhaaaaa but they love it so much we eat every meal together, and she was pretty fat too so you know she eats like 50 meals a day consisting of nothing but feelings and they showed clips of her sitting at the dinner table with her monkeys and they’re like slamming their hands on the table and throwing shit and making monkey noises when she put a plate of fruit in front of them like, WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR SPAGHETTI WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT WE ARE MONKEYSSSSSS!!!!! And she just got all sad and gave in and dumped her whole plate of spaghetti onto their plates and then they were happy but where also throwing it at her like abusive little brat children that never grow up to be contributing members of society. I’m that lady. I have become her. And then not only are my dogs the monkeys but my underwear is too tight. It’s also getting nice outside and I feel like I have a dimple in my butt that wasn’t there before and I just look all soft and squishy like I never work out because that’s actually pretty accurate as to how I’m choosing to live my life right now. Then I get sad again and then I feed my face hole delicious food and then give it to my monkey dogs because they are throwing their monkey dog hands in the air and crying and throwing a fit about their spaghetti. What have I become. This is by far the saddest description I have ever written in a video. The North Face is actually the South Face and we are upside down. Armadillos sit on pillows under the willows we should kill those.

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