Doggy Toys:

Two little cupcakes were in the cuppy cake shop getting put into a pan and the baker said to his friend Larry, hey man do you like cupcakes? And Larry was all like, nah dude I’m on this new diet called I can’t fucking eat cupcakes you asshole. Be more mean. And the baker felt bad and weird for asking and later that day when he was driving in his car he stopped at a Starbucks because he was feeling pretty tired and needed some caffeine so he got a tall iced white chocolate mocha and sipped it for a little while whilst pondering why someone would ever go on a no cupcakes diet, it’s like when you don’t eat cupcakes your soul slowly escapes from your body and goes into Dora the Explorer and if we don’t all do our part to keep our souls within ourselves that bitch is going to turn into one giant monster and then that awesome song from the 90’s The Twilight Zone (you know the one that goes dada dada dada dada da da DA DA DA DADA… WOOO!) is going to come on while she uproots every home and building in the world and eats it and says sassy little things in spanish with her little fucking backpack on the whole time and we’re all in this state of emergency while also being like, what is she saying? I took spanish for 8 years but I still can’t understand everything she’s saying why does your brain do that to you it’s so cruel? And we think she’s saying like “YUM” or something in spanish but she’s saying “I’M GOING TO KILL THAT WHITE GIRL RIGHT THERE NAMED JENNA” and I totally misinterpreted it and then before you know it I’m balls deep in Dora’s fat belly swimming around not having any idea what happened because I didn’t pay enough attention in spanish class and boy would Mrs. Valerio be pissed at me for it. She’d be all like, bitch I told you to pay attention in class and you were all like, waahhh Mr. I mean Mrs. Valerio (well she did have a mustache) when am I ever going to use this I speak english we’re in America I can’t afford to go to fucking spain you asshole, and look what happened to you now, you got eaten by a giant little girl because you were too shortsighted to realize I was the out for your untimely death. And then I would be like, yeah you’re right. Just like Larry and not eating his cupcakes, I can promise you that motherfucker is going to be the first one to die, Dora is going to straight up shit all over his house and then eat it and then be like HAHAHAHAHHA BASURA LARRY! Which is spanish for “your dick tasted like shit Larry” and then she’ll stomp around and we’ll all be dead. Fuck an apocalypse, it’s a Doracalypse. Eat your fucking cupcakes and don’t make me tell you again. 10 points to Gryffindor. I bet hippos have really curly pubes. SNAKE SEX.

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