Doggy Toys:

Woah hey there sexual, can I tell you something? So I wanted to make this video, so I did, and let me just tell you what. The amount of footage that I had to cut out of this bitch was legendary and lets just say there are some ridiculous extras that will come to your face some day so you can lol and I can feel weird about it. Whatever. For those of you who have never recorded themselves talking drunk to a camera I highly recommend it, I really got to know my inner Menna Jourey, we talked about hermit crabs, angel mouses, the universe, Jesus’ dope outfits, aliens, it was just spectacular, and then when Jenna watched the footage today we bonded over our shared experience and made a baby that is this video and then we named him “Drunk Explanations” and we will do our best to raise him with good morals and values, treat other people the way you want to be treated, feed him and stuff which is fun until you have to burp him and then he throws up all over you and you’re like honey can you hand me that towel over there, no not that one that’s the nice one from our wedding I’m talking about that blue raggy one that we use to dry the dishes with and shit come on use your common sense, and then you wipe up the baby puke but you still smell like puke so a few minutes later you go and throw your shirt in the washing machine but you better not put it in there alone, what a waste of water, so you gather some other dark clothes together because you need to wash like colors at the same time, and you put in a whole load of laundry and by the time you get back upstairs you’re thirsty so you pour yourself a glass of water, scratch that now you feel like drinking some lemonade so you drink that and it’s so refreshing for like the first couple of minutes and then it’s too sweet and tart at the same time somehow and it makes your face feel kind of sweaty so you end up eventually just getting some water anyways and then you’re like, honey can you help wash these bottles for the baby and also what do you want for dinner because I’m thinking about starting it soon, should be ready in like 45 minutes and your angel lover is all like oh I don’t care, but you know that they do care they’re just being whatever about it, so you’re like can you please just tell me what you want to eat and they’re like I want stir fry and you’re like OKAY THERE WE GO WAS THAT SO FUCKING HARD SINCE IM THE ONE MAKING IT and now the baby is crying and you missed Law and Order SVU and the preview from last week looked so good and you’re upset but you DVR it every week by default because you’re smart like that and know things like this happen and YOU CAN NEVER JUST GET A FUCKING SECOND TO YOURSELF JESUS WHATS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE and your chest starts getting all tense and then you’re like oh my goodness now I have a stomach ache so you get some pepto but it makes your tongue all pink and chalky and that feels weird and then before you know it it’s time to put the baby to sleep and you’re really tired and there’s no sex and you’re like how did I get here? God I’m not ready to have kids. I think this video is proof of that. Nun-chucks

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