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In first grade my teacher Mrs. Stock had this really cool stuffed animal named Red Fox and it was obviously a fox but like a super cute fox the kind that you know cost extra money for a stuffed animal because it was really lifelike and had that like expensive fur on his tail that was so fluffy and made you all excited when it tickled your nose and you would just do it to yourself on purpose because it was so much like sunshine touching your face and only gave you happy good feelings, and it was the class “pet” and every weekend someone would get to take Red Fox home and write about it in the little composition notebook that he had and put your picture in there with him or whatever and I swear on my fucking life that bitch only let me have red fox one fucking time out of like 10 kids everybody else got him for like 3 fucking weekends that year and I got him one time. ONE MOTHERFUCKING TIME. I swear she had it out for me and knew how much I loved Red Fox because at activities period when you were free to like go play in the bins with the buttons and the cornstarch and water that made that goo, or maybe you could go to the art table and draw or you could sit quietly in the reading corner and read a book or hang out with your friend at their desk and put your glue in the pencil groove and let it dry and then peel it out in one piece and then keep like a creepy crawler, well you know what little Jenna did, little Jenna would always go over to Red Fox’s stupid little composition notebook and read all the neat cursive handwriting that the stupid other kids’ parents would write in all about their epic weekends with Red Fox, oh we went to the movies! We went camping and fishing, we went to the Red Wings game and got hot dogs and all the shit that I never got to do anyways HERE WAS RED FOX GETTING TO DO IT WEEKEND AFTER WEEKEND WITH KIDS THAT DIDNT EVEN LOVE HIM LIKE I DID, and I would sit and meticulously read the entries to make sure that when that jealous hating bitch of a teacher I had (who I swear never picked me because I was just good and quiet and shy) finally let me take home Red Fox my weekend entry would be the most epic thing that has ever been penned into that motherfucker. Then one day probably close to the end of the year I FINALLY got to take Red Fox home (after he took a few weeks off because everyone had headlice) and you know what? My parents didn’t even give a shit. But mommy daddy you don’t understand we need to do the most amazing things this weekend WE HAVE RED FOX DO YOU NOT FEEL THE GRAVITY OF THIS SITUATION? THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT WEEK OF MY LIFE I NEED TO TOP THESE MOTHERFUCKERS! But I couldn’t, all we did was stay in and rake leaves and do chores and we did get to eat pancakes on Saturday, that was cool, but that was it. And I am not a liar so I had to embellish these experiences as if they were even worthy of being in his epic book and I did it in my own pencil for gods sake, my mommy didnt’t write it for me like everyone else. I came in on Monday expecting everyone to be wowed by my magical weekend with Red Fox and finally have my moment in the sun and GUESS WHAT, during our little Red Fox sharing time we had a fucking fire drill. A mother fucking there is no fire fucking fire drill give me a fucking break you gotta be fucking shitting me right now I’ve been waiting my whole life for this shit and I never got to have that moment. So I just had it now. Everyone just know that when I was in first grade I had a GREAT fucking weekend with Red Fox. I loved him, I slept with him all cuddled in my bed and I fucking loved it. The end. Damn that felt good.
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