Doggy Toys:

I’m looking at my hand and wrist right now and let me just disclose to you since we’re in the trust tree in the nest where it’s safe to talk about our insecurities and feelings, I did maybe the shittiest job on my self tanner you could ever imagine and it looks like I smeared tan doodoobutter all over myself and then licked part of it off, decided it wasn’t good, and left the rest to just hang out and get all into my arm hairs and pores and shit like what the fuck kind of valentines day tan is that crap. Not a hot one, tell you that much. NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO WANT TO FUCK THIS DOODOOBUTTER ARM! Is there any way your arm could maybe fuck itself? Like not go fuck itself in the way that you tell people that are assholes, like actually fuck itself? It can’t right because of that useless thing called anatomy where your elbow and wrist decide they’re not going to be like cool go-go gadget arm joints they’re just going to be stupid hingey joints that only go where they want and not where I want. Hey joints, we share a body it’s not all about you, what about what I want? I’m talking to you knee, what if I want you to go in circles and backwards so I can walk with backward legs like that alien in Signs. Huh? Fucking selfish ass fuckers, just absolutely no regard but anyone but themselves and “where they want to go in life.” I got news for you, YOU CANT JUST MOVE FORWARD AND BACKWARD FOREVER, what about side to side? Bitch ass. Anyways this video is about some better names for animals like how pugs are squished up dirty khaki pants and sloths are tree pedophiles and rhinos are horny hippos with nose boners and shit like that. Like I give a fuck. You know who actually does give a fuck and is super self conscious about it? Kermit. Don’t tell him I told you but he has this electric blanket that he loves because he gets chilly all the time with his fucking 0% body fat (fuck you Kermit) and almost no fur so I turn it on for him and he loves to sit in and on and around it under it whatever the fuck he wants and it’s on a timer and when it goes off he comes and claws and cries at my leg for me to go back, turn the blanket back on, and tuck him into it. Can you even fucking believe that? Like just let that sink in for a second. What a needy little child he is, he knows he’s needy too that’s why when there’s company at the house he tries to show off by giving them kisses and then he gets excited and tries to impress them by playing with toys and running around and then he gets insecure and needs to be tucked back into his blanket. He’s like that hot girl that you meet and you think she’s like maybe sort of normal but then you find out she has lots of unresolved daddy issues. That was an awfully sad comparison. Taint sandwiches nom nom nom. If there was a place called dick mountain would you go? Because I would. I’m already there. Bacon tape.

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